Redeemed by Guilt

Four years later, I finally read it. In an attempt to avoid TV and online time wasters, I went to the library to lay hold of a story that laid hold of me. Khaled Hosseini's Kite Runner is a self-ascribed sad story. It has its bitter swoops and a life full of melancholy dips remedied only by the dull waves of time. I leave this book with two profound thoughts:

1. A father's love is unfathomable to the childless. Throughout the tale, Amir, the legitimate but weak Jacobian son of one of the richest men in Kabul, wrestles to gain his father's approval and affection. He would do anything. ANYTHING. As long as it would lead to the smile of approval, the embrace of acceptance, the glance of attention. In fact, he did. He, in his weakness, left his illegitimate brother (whom he thought to be a servant) to be abused and wounded so that he would gain the approval of the father. Amir was always jealous of Hassan, and the equal treatment he received. Always aware of how this Isaac of a father loved the Esau in Hassan, and desperate for even a bit of exclusive attention from his baba.

In America, they find their roles changed. the father becomes weak, unable to speak English. Nevertheless, he pushes himself to provide. He endures lowliness, humility, embarrassment. All for the good of his son. His weak-stomached, novel-reading, story-writing son.

And then, Amir meets a girl, and has baba call her parents. Things go well, and Amir is married. His baba looks at him that day and says "This is the best day of my life". Oh, how I long to know the heart of a Father who loves his weak children so much, that the proudest moment of his life, the culmination of years of laboring, providing, disciplining, comes in a single event. O How Deep the Father's Love.

2. We so desperately want to buy our own redemption, that we hope our guilt will lead to it. Despite the sadness of the story, there is redemption. There is a way to make amends, and be healed of our self-inflicted wounds.

"I think everything he did, feeding the poor on the streets, building the orphanage, giving money to friends in need, it was all his way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, wen guilt leads to good...I know that in the end, God will forgive..."

This is our natural reaction. We seek to cover our guilt, to bury our wrongs with a thousand offerings. If only I can outdo my sin by doing good. If only I can balance the scales. But our hearts know better. Our consciences never let us rest. We are forever indebted to the haunting reality that our good deeds do not fit us. Our guilt will only be satisfied when it kills us. It will drive us to the grave, and Amir KNEW it. He didn't feel redeemed even in the beating he got for going back for his nephew. We will only be given back value (redeemed) in the transfer of our guilt to one who was guiltless.

It is only by the blood of Jesus that we find redemption. I try to do plenty of good to cover up my iniquities, but it doesn't last. I am too weak. I am the novel reader. I am the motion sick one. I am the one incapable of standing up for those in need. I need One who stood up for me. I need one who made a way for the Father to smile at me.

Thank you Jesus for the embrace you earned, not through your guilt, but because of ours.